The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Bastard
Pls read through this converastion …
GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this? The psychiatrist kissed the girl
GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL:But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this? The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top
GIRL:Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL:But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this? The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes
GIRL:Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL:But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this? The psychiatrist had sex with the girl
GIRL:.Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL:But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST:BASTARDDDDDD!!!!!
GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this? The psychiatrist kissed the girl
GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL:But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this? The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top
GIRL:Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL:But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this? The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes
GIRL:Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL:But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this? The psychiatrist had sex with the girl
GIRL:.Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL:But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST:BASTARDDDDDD!!!!!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
A Joke for every Male and Female
A Woman was playing Golf one day when she hit the ball into the Bush nearby. She went into the bush to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock."The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers, continue reading....
...
...
...
...
...
...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife
Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock."The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers, continue reading....
...
...
...
...
...
...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife
Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
A Lawyer and a Jamaican
A Lawyer and a Jamaican
A Lawyer and a Jamaican...
A lawyer and a Jamaican are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that Jamaicans are so dumb that he can fool them easy...
So the lawyer asks if the Jamaican would like to play a fun game.
The Jamaican is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500..'
This catches the Jamaican's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?'
The Jamaican doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Jamaican's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows.
He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Jamaican and hands him $500.
The Jamaican pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the Jamaican up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Jamaican reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
[are you sure that guy isn't a Naija guy?]
A Lawyer and a Jamaican...
A lawyer and a Jamaican are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that Jamaicans are so dumb that he can fool them easy...
So the lawyer asks if the Jamaican would like to play a fun game.
The Jamaican is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500..'
This catches the Jamaican's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?'
The Jamaican doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Jamaican's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows.
He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Jamaican and hands him $500.
The Jamaican pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the Jamaican up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Jamaican reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
[are you sure that guy isn't a Naija guy?]
POLICE DEY READ BIBLE……??!!
POLICE DEY READ BIBLE……??!!
On Lagos-Ibadan express road, when a Pastor met a team of policemen who, quite
naturally, wanted 'something' from him. Since he was not prepared to
play their games, they asked for his papers and having combed through everything
without any offence with which to nail the 'stubborn' pastor, they now
asked him to open the bonnet of his car.
A careful scrutiny of the engine number against what was on paper revealed that
letter 'U' was written in such a way that it could be mistaken for letter 'V'. That
was all the officer-in-charge needed to shout "stolen vehicle!"
Sensing trouble, even when he knew he committed no offence, the pastor called the OC to say he was a priest to which the officer replied :"Please, leave that
pastor thing...in any case, if you are indeed a pastor, then you must have a
Bible in your car, bring it."
The Pastor did as was commanded after which the officer now ordered:
"Please read Matthew 5:25-26 to me".
The incredulous Pastor opened to the recommended passage and read:
"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to a judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth; you will not get out until you have paid the last penny."
The man of God quietly made an "offering" of "just" N100 to his newly found "preacher".
"End of service go in peace and argue no more", said the OC.
On Lagos-Ibadan express road, when a Pastor met a team of policemen who, quite
naturally, wanted 'something' from him. Since he was not prepared to
play their games, they asked for his papers and having combed through everything
without any offence with which to nail the 'stubborn' pastor, they now
asked him to open the bonnet of his car.
A careful scrutiny of the engine number against what was on paper revealed that
letter 'U' was written in such a way that it could be mistaken for letter 'V'. That
was all the officer-in-charge needed to shout "stolen vehicle!"
Sensing trouble, even when he knew he committed no offence, the pastor called the OC to say he was a priest to which the officer replied :"Please, leave that
pastor thing...in any case, if you are indeed a pastor, then you must have a
Bible in your car, bring it."
The Pastor did as was commanded after which the officer now ordered:
"Please read Matthew 5:25-26 to me".
The incredulous Pastor opened to the recommended passage and read:
"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to a judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth; you will not get out until you have paid the last penny."
The man of God quietly made an "offering" of "just" N100 to his newly found "preacher".
"End of service go in peace and argue no more", said the OC.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)