Doctor's Advice Joke

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," she said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.

He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

Jokes.....jokes..........jokes

Heart Transplant joke

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "the attorney's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"


Jokes...........Jokes...............Jokes...........

Face Surgery Joke

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.

She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years!!

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

Meeting God Joke

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago," came the reply.

Jokes......Jokes.......Jokes.....

Heaven's Gift joke

Jokes........Jokes...............Jokes...........

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, "How long were you married?" He answered, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", St. Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times ... but you said I was forgiven." St. Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Peugeot 306 to drive."

The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter. He answered, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out." St. Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Lincoln Navigator."

The third guy walked up and said, "St. Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" St. Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife. She was on an okada"

Jokes........Jokes.......Jokes.................Jokes...........

Goldfish Burial Joke

Jokes...................Jokes.................Jokes.....................

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's a very big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."



Jokes......................Jokes................Jokes...........

God needs a Lawyers jokes

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,"So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake --he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

Satan laughs aloud and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

(meaning all lawyers go to Hell Fire)

Jokes............Jokes...........Jokes.........

Dead Lawyer's Joke

A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy responds, "Because I just love hearing it."


Jokes.........Jokes............Jokes

Lawyer's Baby Joke

A middle-aged Lawyer, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful Lawyer rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

When his wife blushed, the lawyer became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife confessed,
Actually Yes but Not this Time


Jokes*Jokes*Jokes*Jokes*Jokes*Jokes

Riding the Chiefs wife

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them both.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

Toilet Curiousity

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow,these gals really have it nice." So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services." So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."

How I Got to Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

One Wish

A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

Man says: please make my dog win the next dog race.

Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish. The man says: "Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area. Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.

Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says: "Could I please have another look at the dog???

The Box

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles. At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask. So she did, she asked "what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed?" The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time I've been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box.

The wife says, well for forty years, that's not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box. The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles.

The Bank Robbery

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....

My Daughter is a Good Girl

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

Blind pilots

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people! So, the other day passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opened, and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping his way up the aisle with a white cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up front in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we'll all die. . ."

The Good News

Leah phones her husband at work, "Izzy, do you have time for a chat?" "Sorry, darling, this is not a good time, I'm about to go into a board meeting."

"But this won't take long," Leah says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."

"I really haven't the time," says Izzy, "so just quickly tell me the good news."

"Oh all right then. The air bag on your new Lexus works very well."

Anniversary

On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asks.

He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!' "

She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's forty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."

The Bear

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.

Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"